Again?

so are we really going to go through this again?
do you really want to cause us heartache again?
we're not even over it, and you're going back?
what ever happened to the promises, or our pain?
it didn't matter.
he's all you think about.
you disgust me.
what good did he do to you?
nothing.
my heart can only be filled with disgust and rejection.
my respect & trust for you is completely gone.
why must you do this to us?


she's dying of heartache right now.
& you just want to accumulate to her pain.
how dare you?
she won't shed another tear for you.
i can promise you that.

i strongly dislike you.

Intruder

the confusion you bring to me is unbearable
you haunt my dreams every night
i wish you would have left me alone
but you came back.
why?
i was fine before you and even after you
but why have you found me again
and sparked those feelings back
when i hid them deep for a reason
it's funny how you come back
just to make me fall in love with you all over again
i am frightened to sleep
knowing that you will appear
and i won't be able to wake myself
from a beautiful dream that will only cause me to ache later
how i wished you would have never returned

Silence

He came home again angry as he could ever be. Ran past us and didn't even say "Hello." I wondered what had we done to cause him to be so angry. But we had done nothing wrong.
Oh Great! here we go again. Days have passed and still no reason why so much anger.

Can't he see the pain he causes? Can't he see the tears dropped from her eyes? Can't he see the loneliness and frustration caused by his anger?

As i see her cry and cry, i am filled with an unbearable gush of pain. My heart aches as more tears flow so smoothly down her cheeks. The pain is too strong for both of us to hold. Now his poison has spread through me. Anger, now, fills my heart. He has contaminated me.

I am in ragging mode searching for him to give us an answer. This has gone too far; he can't keep hurting her this way.

He arrives more angry than ever, but my anger has not yet subsided. Confrontation is what my heart tells me to do, but she begs for silence.
I don't want to hurt her anymore than he has already. Silence, that's all.

The anger slowly fades away from my heart, but it only keeps growing in his heart.

<3

City lights
pass me by
There's no rights
to what you feel inside

Hope, faith, love
seem to morph
Into doubt and pain
turning sun into rain

But don't give up
don't give in
Fight till there's
no strength within

Be yourself
and you'll see
The cloud's emerge
into bright melodies.

blah.

SUMMER is finally here :) I've been looking forward to this for months and now that it's here i don't know what to do. sighhh. don't you hate it when this happens.
i guess what ill be doing most of the summer is writing . whether is music or here that's pretty much all i will do...
oh and find a job. I'm actually excited for that :)
but anyways, life is so so boring right now.

except for the part that...
I WILL BE ATTENDING THE MMVAS !:D

yes yes exciting .
and in July ill be meeting some cool people :)

other than that..
life's pretty boring.

i hope I'll have the courage to start putting some videos up on YouTube.
hopefully, ill get to that soon.

don't know where I'm getting with this blog, but i guess it's just an update in case your reading.
<3

Communication

Sometimes it's hard for me to know what i want so what makes you think i know what you want.

I don't understand why people think I'm some kind of mind reader or something.
i experience situations like these every day.
they frustrate me.

why can't you talk to me about it? we can probably work it out.
instead you choose to ignore me and leave everything broken and people hurting.

why do people do this?
i really don't comprehend this because i think it is easier to talk out your problem then leave them bottled up.
i try to talk out my problems with others when i have them but sometimes the other doesn't cooperate so I'm left talking to a wall, alone.


this always messes up my day.
not very lovely.

but on a brighter note, school is over.

what a relief..

Old Enemy

i doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight
memories are flashing furiously
and buried pain is starting to rise
i thought it was all left behind
but as usual i was wrong
I'm never to fond of the old
it only brings sorrow to my weak heart
i try to look ahead but
it's too late.
memories have sparked
that old pain i tried to bury
now it's even worse than before.
..... & the weather doesn't help at all.


walls are closing in on me
the air is getting thicker
making it harder for me to breath
this old enemy of mine seems to come back
at the worst times possible.

your unpleasant.

go away go away go away

Painful Regret

He leaves with a smirk on his face. "That was just too easy," he says.
She's left in that lonely room, unaware of what just happened.
Her mind is racing. Confusion is taking over.
"What has just happened?" is the best question she can come up with.
A fool is what she is.

Don't act like an innocent child.
You brought this upon yourself.
You knew right from wrong and chose your path.


As she's left there, she is overwhelmed with regret.
"What have i done."
His wicked smile still a fresh memory in her mind.
She feels the pain starting to take over her.
Oh No !
She feels her heart being split into two.


Slowly she sees them around her.
She opens her mouth but no words come out.
What to say, What to do.
"I've hurt them, I've done it on my own.
How could i? "
She sees their tears slowly racing down their cheeks.


Respect lost.
Happiness gone.
Instead she brought agony into their lives.
Forgiveness is there.
They love her no matter how much agony she's brought to them.

His "love" has not only destroyed her but wrecked the lives of the people she loves.

"Move on and get over it." She's told.
The anger and disgust not hidden.

She slowly works up the courage and all she can say is...
"I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ."

Doubt

That feeling of not being able to accomplish anything really puts her down.
She knows if she believes she can accomplish anything yet doubt is always playing with her mind.
She wants this to stop. Now.
How wonderful her day was until doubt crept into her mind and planted a little tiny seed.
Slowly yet quickly that seed bloomed and her confidence soon diminished to zero.
How many times has she told doubt to leave her alone ? Millions.
But doubt seems to have this fascination with her.
Doubt never wants to leave her mind and it's always eager to plant its little worthless seed.
Seeing her fail is doubt's only biggest joy.
Flee, Shoo, Get out of here she repeats over and over again.
No use.
She then stops what was bringing happiness to her and gives into doubt.
"You have won once more," she says, "but not next time i can promise you that."

Falling

She runs to her room and slams her door shut

Tears run down her cheeks rapidly

Her heart has been shattered into pieces

Like that glass vase fallen from her kitchen counter

She hugs herself tightly trying to make the pain go away

That hole inside of her seems to only grow

She holds herself as she tries to stand

Her knees are too weak

Just like her little heart

She feels insignificant

She's been stepped on like an ant

Oh, how she wishes she had seen the warnings

But she was blinded by his beauty

He took all her energy, strength

But most of all, her love

Used is one word she describes herself now

Why was she so naive?

At last she manages to stand

But her knees are too weak

She falls once more

"Nothing new" is what her mind tells her

Foolish, Foolish girl

She lays there torn apart

in every way possible

And suddenly remembers one thing

God will always love me.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

-no matter how many times you fall

God will always love you.

Who are YOU?

you have just simply changed.
I've know you my whole life yet i have no clue who you've become.
what's wrong with you?
you make me so furious.
your voice irritates me.
your look makes my stomach hurl.
the fury inside of me wants to escape yet i must cease it at once.
who knows what will happen if i didn't.
your bi-polar and you know it.
One second your happy as a clam the next your furious at nothing.
what have you become?
your not always right.
no one is ever always right.
you seem to be the only one not to comprehend this.
you're pushing me away.
you're pushing everyone away.
why is your heart so bitter?
you don't feel all the love i have for you.
you've used me in every way.
but you don't care.
you humiliate me in every way possible.
why ?
why won't you smile?
you used to light up a room.
now you bring everyone into darkness.
you infected me with your disease.
but i found a cure .
why can't you do the same.
i miss your normal self.
please come back to reality.
you keep breaking my heart more and more.
don't do this.
please, please, please.....

satisfaction.

why do we want so many things?

why can't we be satisfied with what we have?

those are two questions i ask myself constantly. we are never satisfied. there is always something that we want but why ? i don't understand. why can't we just be happy with what we have? we mostly are not satisfied with what we have because we are not satisfied with ourselves. (well that's my theory at least ^_^) if we were truly satisfied with who we were, what we would have would be satisfying as well. you catch my drift ? well, i certainly know I'm not truly satisfied with myself because there is always something "better" that i want. whether it is a material thing or not, i am never satisfied with what i have or been given.

slowly but surely i will learn to be satisfied with myself and then everything i have i will finally see it is just fine.

that goes for you too my friend.

:)

Let Go ?

I'm cying out for you
every night without thought
you seem to haunt my dreams
and squeeze your way in them
i try to erase you from my mind
but you're impossible to erase
i see your face
as beautiful as ever
your smile that melts my heart
your soft touch
that gives me butterflies
your sweet melody of words
are sung with much grace
i could smell you from
a thousand miles away
that lovely vanilla scent
i can't seem to let you go
it was so easy for you
why can't it be the same for me ?
why do you insist on making my heart ache ?
do you find some type of pleasure in this ?
i have to let go of you....

APPRECIATION...

As children we come to think that we "hate" our parents and that they must "hate" us as well for the punishments or the rules they imply as we grow up. But when you really think about it our parents could never hate us. I've come to realize that everything my parents have done for me are for the best. Every time i was punished i learned a lesson. the rules they implied made me have morals and manners. I am so grateful for them. Lately, I've been thinking about the way my parents educated me, and even though i complained and was very ungrateful then i am the complete opposite today. Every suggestion given was to make me a better person. i must admit i did not listen to all the suggestions but the ones i did listen to were the best choices in my life. Every choice they made was always for the best. i can't deny that some choices were harder than others. Like living in three different countries isn't easy. Especially when you have your whole life planned out in one place, and then is given the "terrible" news that your moving. Of course you will be upset and depressed and have a big knot of emotions, mostly unhappy ones, but when you think positive it will most likely turn out just fine. Right now i thank my parents for all they have done for my future because i know that's their main priority. Listen to your parent's suggestion most of them aren't even that bad. :) Follow their plans; its always for the best. :D

Promises.

Did you really mean everything you said to me ?
It seems to me that it was all lie
That wonderful feeling i felt
Disappeared into the dusk
Your words so sweet
Like the sound of a melody
Have grown into a silence
That pierces my heart
I no longer hear that sweet melody
Or anything close to it
The many promises you made
Were simply shredded into the wind
The air is thick
And i could barely breathe
I hold my heart now in two
Yet you don't seem to care
As you keep walking away
Now tears flow smoothly down my cheeks
But they won't stop you from walking away
Nothing will
That feeling of loneliness now takes over me
And I'm left broken and disoriented
Time and Only time can repair
my broken heart
I will no longer believe that voice of yours
That is filled with lovely promises
For those promises disguise the pain
brought within them.

That Unexplainable Feeling

It's that feeling that i can't describe

The one where you feel so much pressure in your heart

that words can't seem to escape from within

The feeling that your suffocating yet you can still breathe

The feeling of helplessness but don't quite know for what

The agony felt inside for no apparent reason

The feeling of wanting to cry it all out

but the tears just wont flow

That feeling that makes your heads spin

thinking of ways to make it stop

The feeling of going on a rampage

and destroying everything in your path

The random feeling that destroys our days

no matter how lovely they have been

It's this unexplainable feeling

that haunts no matter where you go.

Thoughts...

It's on beautiful days like these when my emotions plan an attack on me . Has that ever happened to you? It's when im stuck home when the bombardment starts. Different emotions arise and confuse me. I picture myself back home playing football, going out to walk, or just enjoying a day like this with the ones i love. As i sit here at home alone, the happiness of this beautiful day fades. Clouds and fog is all i see. It's amazing how ironic days like these are for me. But as i think more and more i realize that no matter how many attacks my emotions plan on me i can't let it affect me in any way. This is when all the clouds and fog starts to disappear and i see the beautiful sun shine bright. The new path we've taken is filled with obstacles but if we only find positives for all the negatives, soon these obstacles will fade away.
Psalm 105:4
"Trust the lord and his mighty power."

Finding Out Who You Truly Are.

As little kids we dont really think about this very often. We have fun. But as you grow older everything changes. You start to face obstacles and other situations where you have no idea what to do. Maybe those are the events that make that change in you and you instanly realize the person you really are. And maybe they aren't. Sometimes you just feel like your in a dark hole and can't seem to find your way out. You try many different things but still can't figure out who your are or what you stand for. I am here today. The only thing i have clear in my mind is the love God has for me. My faith in him has only grown stonger. Even though this journey is no where near the end, i can say that slowly i am finding out who i truly am. Sometimes it takes big dramatic changes and stumbling upon little things to get you to think who you really are. Don't rush the process. Because this is what makes the journey worth going through. I will no longer rush this journey and make the most of it.

April 23,2009

Wouldn't it be great to have one day with no worries or anything that gave you thoughts to upset you? That's exactly what i wish. On a day so beautiful as this i wish i wasn't bombarded by all the worries we have in life. But as I look out the window things just start to fade away from my mind and all i can think about is how beautiful it is outside. I get amazed each day by the marvelous things God creates. We shouldn't really worry about anything because everything at the end will find its way, and if it was truly meant to be things will fall right into place just like putting a puzzle together. When you first start you think about it too much, but soon all the pieces start to make sense and start creating that wonderful picture you've been working on for hours. But you see as humans we understand this but seem to choose to worry and panic instead. It's simply human nature. I dream upon that day when all my worries will put lifted off my shoulders and I will breathe that sigh of relief. That day is near, i can feel it.