Old Enemy

i doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight
memories are flashing furiously
and buried pain is starting to rise
i thought it was all left behind
but as usual i was wrong
I'm never to fond of the old
it only brings sorrow to my weak heart
i try to look ahead but
it's too late.
memories have sparked
that old pain i tried to bury
now it's even worse than before.
..... & the weather doesn't help at all.


walls are closing in on me
the air is getting thicker
making it harder for me to breath
this old enemy of mine seems to come back
at the worst times possible.

your unpleasant.

go away go away go away

Painful Regret

He leaves with a smirk on his face. "That was just too easy," he says.
She's left in that lonely room, unaware of what just happened.
Her mind is racing. Confusion is taking over.
"What has just happened?" is the best question she can come up with.
A fool is what she is.

Don't act like an innocent child.
You brought this upon yourself.
You knew right from wrong and chose your path.


As she's left there, she is overwhelmed with regret.
"What have i done."
His wicked smile still a fresh memory in her mind.
She feels the pain starting to take over her.
Oh No !
She feels her heart being split into two.


Slowly she sees them around her.
She opens her mouth but no words come out.
What to say, What to do.
"I've hurt them, I've done it on my own.
How could i? "
She sees their tears slowly racing down their cheeks.


Respect lost.
Happiness gone.
Instead she brought agony into their lives.
Forgiveness is there.
They love her no matter how much agony she's brought to them.

His "love" has not only destroyed her but wrecked the lives of the people she loves.

"Move on and get over it." She's told.
The anger and disgust not hidden.

She slowly works up the courage and all she can say is...
"I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ."

Doubt

That feeling of not being able to accomplish anything really puts her down.
She knows if she believes she can accomplish anything yet doubt is always playing with her mind.
She wants this to stop. Now.
How wonderful her day was until doubt crept into her mind and planted a little tiny seed.
Slowly yet quickly that seed bloomed and her confidence soon diminished to zero.
How many times has she told doubt to leave her alone ? Millions.
But doubt seems to have this fascination with her.
Doubt never wants to leave her mind and it's always eager to plant its little worthless seed.
Seeing her fail is doubt's only biggest joy.
Flee, Shoo, Get out of here she repeats over and over again.
No use.
She then stops what was bringing happiness to her and gives into doubt.
"You have won once more," she says, "but not next time i can promise you that."

Falling

She runs to her room and slams her door shut

Tears run down her cheeks rapidly

Her heart has been shattered into pieces

Like that glass vase fallen from her kitchen counter

She hugs herself tightly trying to make the pain go away

That hole inside of her seems to only grow

She holds herself as she tries to stand

Her knees are too weak

Just like her little heart

She feels insignificant

She's been stepped on like an ant

Oh, how she wishes she had seen the warnings

But she was blinded by his beauty

He took all her energy, strength

But most of all, her love

Used is one word she describes herself now

Why was she so naive?

At last she manages to stand

But her knees are too weak

She falls once more

"Nothing new" is what her mind tells her

Foolish, Foolish girl

She lays there torn apart

in every way possible

And suddenly remembers one thing

God will always love me.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

-no matter how many times you fall

God will always love you.

Who are YOU?

you have just simply changed.
I've know you my whole life yet i have no clue who you've become.
what's wrong with you?
you make me so furious.
your voice irritates me.
your look makes my stomach hurl.
the fury inside of me wants to escape yet i must cease it at once.
who knows what will happen if i didn't.
your bi-polar and you know it.
One second your happy as a clam the next your furious at nothing.
what have you become?
your not always right.
no one is ever always right.
you seem to be the only one not to comprehend this.
you're pushing me away.
you're pushing everyone away.
why is your heart so bitter?
you don't feel all the love i have for you.
you've used me in every way.
but you don't care.
you humiliate me in every way possible.
why ?
why won't you smile?
you used to light up a room.
now you bring everyone into darkness.
you infected me with your disease.
but i found a cure .
why can't you do the same.
i miss your normal self.
please come back to reality.
you keep breaking my heart more and more.
don't do this.
please, please, please.....

satisfaction.

why do we want so many things?

why can't we be satisfied with what we have?

those are two questions i ask myself constantly. we are never satisfied. there is always something that we want but why ? i don't understand. why can't we just be happy with what we have? we mostly are not satisfied with what we have because we are not satisfied with ourselves. (well that's my theory at least ^_^) if we were truly satisfied with who we were, what we would have would be satisfying as well. you catch my drift ? well, i certainly know I'm not truly satisfied with myself because there is always something "better" that i want. whether it is a material thing or not, i am never satisfied with what i have or been given.

slowly but surely i will learn to be satisfied with myself and then everything i have i will finally see it is just fine.

that goes for you too my friend.

:)

Let Go ?

I'm cying out for you
every night without thought
you seem to haunt my dreams
and squeeze your way in them
i try to erase you from my mind
but you're impossible to erase
i see your face
as beautiful as ever
your smile that melts my heart
your soft touch
that gives me butterflies
your sweet melody of words
are sung with much grace
i could smell you from
a thousand miles away
that lovely vanilla scent
i can't seem to let you go
it was so easy for you
why can't it be the same for me ?
why do you insist on making my heart ache ?
do you find some type of pleasure in this ?
i have to let go of you....

APPRECIATION...

As children we come to think that we "hate" our parents and that they must "hate" us as well for the punishments or the rules they imply as we grow up. But when you really think about it our parents could never hate us. I've come to realize that everything my parents have done for me are for the best. Every time i was punished i learned a lesson. the rules they implied made me have morals and manners. I am so grateful for them. Lately, I've been thinking about the way my parents educated me, and even though i complained and was very ungrateful then i am the complete opposite today. Every suggestion given was to make me a better person. i must admit i did not listen to all the suggestions but the ones i did listen to were the best choices in my life. Every choice they made was always for the best. i can't deny that some choices were harder than others. Like living in three different countries isn't easy. Especially when you have your whole life planned out in one place, and then is given the "terrible" news that your moving. Of course you will be upset and depressed and have a big knot of emotions, mostly unhappy ones, but when you think positive it will most likely turn out just fine. Right now i thank my parents for all they have done for my future because i know that's their main priority. Listen to your parent's suggestion most of them aren't even that bad. :) Follow their plans; its always for the best. :D

Promises.

Did you really mean everything you said to me ?
It seems to me that it was all lie
That wonderful feeling i felt
Disappeared into the dusk
Your words so sweet
Like the sound of a melody
Have grown into a silence
That pierces my heart
I no longer hear that sweet melody
Or anything close to it
The many promises you made
Were simply shredded into the wind
The air is thick
And i could barely breathe
I hold my heart now in two
Yet you don't seem to care
As you keep walking away
Now tears flow smoothly down my cheeks
But they won't stop you from walking away
Nothing will
That feeling of loneliness now takes over me
And I'm left broken and disoriented
Time and Only time can repair
my broken heart
I will no longer believe that voice of yours
That is filled with lovely promises
For those promises disguise the pain
brought within them.